Archive for the ‘Underwear’ Category

A faggot, now comfortable in his own skin

April 2, 2008

Life is innately sexual. My life just seems to defy all boundaries in this respect. Last night in one of my classes where we discuss contemporary issues in photography, we were talking about the concept of the surveyor and the surveyed. Specifically we were talking about Sophie Calle (amazing woman, amazing story) and how her work differs from something along the lines of Jennicam (one of the first real webcam shows that ever existed). But then the conversation led itself into the direction of voyeurism.

People were arguing that Jennicam was trying to gain attention. She began her webcam website at the age of nineteen. She broadcasted from her dorm room and streamed a new picture every three minutes (which was really fast when she started). She danced for the camera, performed little strip teases, etc. Then over time it became about her life on camera. If she was in the room, the camera would update with whatever she was doing. If she was out of the room, the camera would update on the state of the room while she was away. Eventually she moved into her own place and got more cameras and updated her site with more photos at a faster rate. She began documenting/sharing her life with millions of people per day. Visitors got to witness her at home, working from home, sleeping, eating, being intimate, etc. But it is the intent of the project that confuses people.

Was she doing it for some kind of release for herself? Was she in-fact, an exhibitionist? Purpose is difficult to figure out, but everyone will come up with his or her own hunches. I tried to argue that, to me, it all seems like a sort of rite of passage. I feel like everyone goes through a phase where they are interested in showing off their body. Everyone is a bit of a voyeur. I compared to her site to being like my journals thorough the years. I began writing in high school, as a sort of release. But I was only interested in it when I would get responses from people. It was a way of reaching out, from the security of my own home. I could decide what I wanted to disclose. I was in complete control. But an online journal is a bit like voyeurism… people are reading what I write–much like people are viewing Jennicam at all times of day.

But it all has a sexual overtone. Even my writing. Regardless of it all, sex continues to run my life. Not in the sense of “I gotta get laid.” But more like everything has a sexual charge of some sort. I write. I take photographs. I have an underwear fetish. However, I prefer nudity. I enjoy the body. I am coy. I struggle to express myself with spoken words. I constantly reorganize and edit. But I separate my lives very distinctly…

For school I am very well composed. I am quiet, but will be honest with you. Some take me for an asshole, and I embrace that (they just do not know me at all). With my friends, I am no longer quiet, but still keep myself on a fairly tight leash. But then there is my life alone. I return to my apartment, with all my belongings, and there is so much more to be said about me. But only the very, very select few get to experience that. And even fewer get to experience the overtly sexual being that I am. I often feel bad for people when they first begin to date me… especially when we start to get intimate. I know how I am; I can be overwhelming. But that is part of who I am.

I have been beginning to accept myself in all respects of life. It is hard to do at times though. But recently I can say that I have been very proud of myself with how I have been dealing with some things. Like I mentioned previously, I am quite shy. Usually in mixed company I just keep my mouth shut, doing the “hello” thing and falling back to the background. But recently I have been joining in conversation, with strangers even! Small talk used to make me real uncomfortable, but I think I am growing into something new, something with more confidence in himself. I have an out of control ego as it is, but I shy away from interacting with people… but this leaf has been blown over and I am to take on this world all over again. A voice to go along with my presence.

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Thought #2

March 7, 2008

My favorite referral to this journal thus far is: rubbing jockstrap.

More tension

January 18, 2008

I am not an argumentative kind of guy. I let almost everything just go… totally relaxed and take everything with a grain of salt. But there are things about me that people do not understand, and you know what… that is expected. If I were to ever find anyone that actually understood everything about me, I would be quite scared. For the both of us.

While putting the finishing touches on my apartment, I received a text message from the boyfriend:

I can’t help but notice when you don’t seem interested in having sex. Something wrong?

What the hell? Just because you know I like jockstraps and you happen to wear one (or as you called it, “throwing yourself” at me) does not mean that I am going to want to have sex with you. Can we go a night or two without having sex? Do we really need to be having such a heated discussion over text messages? He says he would have never done so many things but he does them with me. I almost felt like he was trying to say he makes so many sacrifices and I do not… so I asked for examples.

Like wearing sexy underwear and jocks and bottoming. I just feel like sex is one of the only ways you show affection.

Ouch. Now that is fucked up. So I said that we need to talk later. I know I have issues with expressing my emotions, but at the same time, it is a choice I make. I do not wear my heart on my sleeve, it is a defense mechanism. But in this situation, it is more of a defensive mechanism on his behalf. I do not want to hurt him, but it seems like I really do not have much of a choice. We shall see.

Esacpe

January 2, 2008

New Years. Where to begin?

I began my new year with my mother, father, and brother in this little house my parents are renting while their house is being built in a much better area of New Mexico. We watched movies, sat by the fire, and relaxed after skiing all day. My parents, well they are getting older and could not make it to midnight, so it was really just my brother and I left. The past few weeks have been hell for me for personal reasons I will write about at another time.

I wanted an escape, and boy did I get out for a bit.

I have never been so… overcome with thought. I lack emotions, but my head never slows down, never misses a beat. I began to feel. The movies we watched actually had real purpose (granted I may have confused what they were trying to say. We watched that Disney movie Happy Feet and could not figure out if it was trying to say we saved the penguins or if we ruined everything)… I continued to feel. But then I over heated and had to strip down to my underwear. We watched more movies, and ended with Pixar’s Robots, but we watched it on mute with music playing on the laptop. Visually stunning, but that is all I really can say about it.

My brother went to bed and I was not even near tired. It was probably around six in the morning. The whole time we were watching movies I could not stop touching myself. Anywhere really, it just felt so nice. After he went to bed I could not stop rubbing all over. This is when I stripped down to my jockstrap. I began rubbing myself down. The light was off, watching the fire from the couch, listening to music (Explosions in the Sky will never sound like that again), rubbing. Something about it all left me incapable of getting an erection, so I just lay there, enjoying the feeling of myself. After what seemed like an extended period of time, I got hard and was able to get off.

I walked around the room, studying everything with my eyes. I played with the fire for a bit; it was ridiculously warm and felt so amazing against my skin. I eventually felt like I might be able to sleep. I was wondering what the time may be since the sunlight began to fill the room from around the shades. Sleep never came. So I just lay there. I have never seen a sunrise in New Mexico before.

I grew hungry. I finally put on some clothes again; some warm fleece sweats with a waistband that is too big for me so they sit real, real low. I opened the door out of the living room and into the two unheated rooms of the rental house. Got to the kitchen and drank some juice, grabbed a pop tart and headed back to the living room. Soon after warming by the fire, my mom walked into the room. The day had begun and I was not going to be sleeping at all, but I did not need it.

I never make resolutions. I think it is because I am as close to perfect as it gets. Sure, must be it. But after all of that, I realize a bunch of things about myself that I feel need some attention. Like I said, lots of changes are coming once I get back to the city. The most important one of all is to remember to take time to relax. In the long run, most things really do not matter that much. Focus on the self and enjoy what you have right here, right now.