Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

Everything All At Once

May 27, 2008

Let me talk about myself for a while. (But really, what else do I talk about?)

I have not been taking enough photos lately. I need to sit down and put together something, some kind of general direction to lead off on. I would love to continue one of my previous projects, but I hate to change up the camera used (since I cannot check any equipment out from school at this point). I need to get some new equipment for myself, but I need to also not let that bar me from working.

I have been running again. Something about it is really therapeutic to me. It is more of a mind game to me than it is working out. It seems to be about competition, about winning. Whenever there is someone running anywhere within sight, I tend to run harder until I overtake them. I have some issues with being the best.

The guy I have been dating and I ran into some issues the other week. He actually broke up with me and did not give me any real explanation. So a couple days later I asked him if he would clear that up for me. He stopped in after work, and we talked… for almost three hours. He was very open with me, as I was with him. And through it, he realized that we should not have broken up, but we had even more in common. The main argument was over how we both are not sure if we should be dating yet, since our last serious relationship was not that long ago (his ended in December and mine in January). I said something along the lines of how I think about it every time I see him, but I also realize that I am happy at that moment, so why spoil something that could be so good?

Everything that he brought up, as things that could be problems in his and my relationship, were things that I already knew. But it was nice to hear him actually say them. One of the other, which potentially has more weight, issues, was about substances. I smoke. I drink. I am twenty-one and live a fairly regular life of a twenty-one year old. And he is in recovery. I do not know exactly what made me figure that one out, but I knew. But I also never smoke or drink around people that do not. I guess that classifies me as a “social” drinker or smoker. And I never ask people to do either… I do not want to feel like I am pressuring anyone. We talked it all out and he left. There was no real resolution, and no kiss goodbye. The next day at work he stopped in to say hello and see if I wanted to hang out sometime this week. The day after that he stopped by my place on his way to his parents’ house to kiss me, “I just had to kiss you before I left.”

I am moving again. This time back to the West side of the city. I loathe the South side. It is totally segregated and I miss the tree-lined streets in the West. I have to do that by July, makes me nervous.

Memorial day was awesome. I woke up early, finished painting this apartment, went for a long run, went to lunch with my old roommate from the dorms, hung out all afternoon with various friends, bringing people who do not know each other in one room. Came home and the boy came over. We went to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. It fucking sucked. I love the originals, but I was by no means ready for what the new one brought. Some of it was cool, but most of the time I was just thinking to myself “really??” And I was not the only one, I saw a whole family just up and leave in the middle, and if it was my decision, I probably would have left too (except I have a thing about finishing things that I start…). Then we came back here. And I will leave it at this…

Oh. My. God. Amazing.

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Hilarity Ensues

April 9, 2008

Sometimes I am such a joke. I wanted to go out, but I want to be alone. I want to be entertained, but I cannot pick a thing to do. It is a weakness. I go on dates when I know I should not be dating at all. Then I start to date someone with no expectations but get hurt the second something does not go my way.

It has been a few weeks with the new guy I have been seeing, and now I get a surprise of him leaving for the entire summer and that I am not the only person he is dating. I guess I would not be bothered as much if it was another dude… but a chick. It is his thing, and I even suspected it, but I do not want to hear about it. But I would hate him to keep it from me. It is always a losing situation.

And the best part… I have a date tomorrow with a different dude. What a joke.

Mony, mony, like a pony

March 17, 2008

I am not usually the type to do this, but the time has come. We are going to talk about boys! [screams from the audience] I know, I know, please, contain yourselves.

The ex. Over the last week I have been on spring break. I cannot afford to go anywhere, so I stayed in the city. I did not tell my boss I was on break because I needed time to myself. The last couple months have been real tasking on me. We had not been talking for a few weeks, because I had to cut him off. It sucks, but it was completely necessary. I do not want to be in a relationship (with anyone, not just him, but particularly not him at this point), and he clearly still wants to be with me. I tried to be real understanding at first, but he never seems to understand that when I say “no” that I actually mean “no.” Then he will go as far as to tell me that I never cared about him, etc, etc. Lies. So I had to cut him off, it was a really destructive month for the both of us so talking needed to cease. But I let him back in, we were talking and things seemed like it was okay. But alas, it was all a facade he was putting on for me. We hung out once after we broke up and it was real emotional. But that was before I began a serious separation where even talking was out. Time passed, I knew he was doing better with things, and he seemed to have a grip on his life again. He wanted to talk. I said no, but then saw him on the street that same day and decided that we both should be able to handle it. We decided to go to lunch. It was a great lunch. Got to catch up on things, everything kind of had that rejuvenated feel… until the end. I could tell his only motive for this lunch was to win me back. When I have already told him I am not ready for a relationship of that severity (even though we had already dated for ten months–I know, I fucked up and sent the wrong signals–but it was too much for me). The morning after he sent me a text saying something about how he and I were meant to be together (or something along those lines that scare the hell out of a twenty year old coming from a thirty two year old). I am not the type to be a trophy, and that is how I felt at times.

So beyond that, I know I need to date and try to be social (since I am plenty anti-social as it is). As soon as word got around my workplace (which has very high traffic of the gay community) I knew that I was bound to be asked out. And then it happened. I got a missed connection, you know, the things on Craigslist.org where you tell someone that you saw them out and hope you can meet up again later (a way to ask someone out without having any balls to do so. Its safe, so the community here loves it). They are real strange, but I read them religiously. Either way, I knew it was for me, but I was not about to respond to this kid. He is beautiful (that body… whoa), always happy, always telling me to smile. But I know he is not that bright… And I need the mind to fuel my attractions. But I had decided in previous weeks that if anyone was to ask me out, to force myself to go. He finally asked for my number and asked me to go to a movie. I went. It was fun, but I felt like he was real disappointed in me for being who I am. I am not the consistently happy person that people think I should be. “You have a beautiful smile, why not show it more?” That is the kind of questions that I get to hear on a fairly regular basis. But I am happy, I just do not wear my heart on my sleeve, and I never will. Anyways, I am not a self conscious person, and I am aware of what I look like and carry almost no insecurities (with a touch of arrogance). But people never see me as that, apparently I am tormented and depressed all the time. But hey, if that is how people want to read me, so be it, I know I am happy. So anyways, this beautiful man… Only a few years older than I, amazing body, always happy, but something about him really throws me off. I mean, beyond his non-existent brilliance. I feel like the whole time we were walking from the movie to the restaurant that he was showing me off to the public, as if I was supposed to get recognized for being with him. It was strange. But again, I am not the type to be a trophy. Maybe he and I can be friends, but there is where I draw the line.

A few months ago, my old roommate wanted to introduce me to one of her new housemates. I was still dating the ex at the time, so naturally I wrote her off. But I finally met him over break. I went over to the house for baking and board games. I know most of the eight people that live in the house (I was to move in there at one point, but decided it was not for me), so it was like seeing a bunch of friends I had not seen in a while. We ate cookies and played apples for apples, and I still had not put together that this one new guy that I met was the guy my old roommate had wanted me to meet. It was real late, and I had no intentions of riding my bike all the way back home. They had plans of building a fort in the living room and sleeping in it, well, five of us did. We built the fort and crawled in ready to watch a movie. He and I were pushed up next to each other, but I never thought anything of it, I still had not figured out that he was the guy that I should meet… I still kind of thought he was straight… So anyways, movie on, and I am bound to fall asleep. I made it through most of the movie, but at some point I woke up and the movie was still going. But I was nestled up on his chest… “Whatever,” I thought to myself, “these people aren’t the type to judge anyone.” The movie ended and he crawled down into the sheets and cuddled with me for the majority of the night. No complaints from me, that is for certain. The next morning, after I left I had put two-and-two together. He was the one she wanted me to meet.

Fast forward to a few days later when my old roommate and I had plans of going dancing. I asked her who was going and she only knew of a few of us. I told her to ask him to come. I had been out with other friends that night, for happy hour and such so I was quite inebriated by the time I met up with the dancing crowd. Actually, to be honest, I am still shocked I rode my bike through traffic to get where I was going. But anyways. I walked my drunk ass into their house and greet everyone. I see him standing there, so I wave and smile but try to play it cool. So I am antsy for some dance-y, but I did not know who all was going. I asked him if he was coming. He responded, “I can’t dance, but I’ll go.” Fucking liar. He may be very white, but the boys got some moves on him. So we go dancing and everyone is having a good time. I only know the people I went with (I am not part of that scene so much) and everyone else knew everyone else. So he was off with friends, old roommates, etc, dancing with everyone. I danced with who I knew, but kept an eye out on everyone. I love to dance, and I know I can really tear it up if I am comfortable enough… and well, I was wasted so comfort was all there was. He would come back and dance with me from time to time, just enough to make me feel wanted. We danced all night and finally headed back to their house. It was a little past two and I knew I was not about to get on my bike to ride all the way back to my place. He told me I could stay with him. So I did. We hopped into bed and cuddled for a bit (and by this time we were very sober). His hand on my chest, his face in the side of mine, he whispered, “You have an incredible body.” Normally I do not take compliments like that very well, but something about the situation made it seem like he was honest. (Usually I feel like people are just trying to get something when they say shit like that.) We cuddled and made out for a while, and then went to bed. We stayed in bed until one in the afternoon, talking and whatnot. Our stomaches were an orchestra, so we decided to get up and make breakfast. I stayed until around three o’clock, talking and really get to know him on another level. He is in school now, wants to be a nurse (which is perfect because my other option from art school was med school). I will say I am excited about him, but at the same time, I know I am so busy. But whatever happens, happens, right? I am just going to live for a while.

Proper practices… paying off

February 27, 2008

Monday was another serious series of ups and downs. We’ll start with the downs.

In the morning, the very-recent ex decided that we should be talking again. We got heated, it ended up in the same place though. We just cannot be friends right now. He wants me to not date (not that I am trying right now anyways), but I told him that I probably will when I am ready. But none of it will be serious… I am not ready for another serious relationship. Not for a while, at least. So I was upset, he kept putting words in my mouth, so I cut him off and went out to do things that I needed to do before class.

Upon arrival of my first class, I remember that we were supposed to have ideas for our presentations all figured out for that day. I not only did not have an idea, but I did not have a partner either. I think fast, “What photographer works with end-time themes?” Nothing. I got nothing. Another photo nerd gave me the idea of David LaChapelle and his body of work revolving around the end of time. Check. Now, who to work with? I look around the room, scanning for people I know. She will work with him. Him with him. Her with him. Class beings, still no idea. Then, he walks into the room. His beautiful eyes, unique looks (which means he is typically kind of homely, but attractive in his own way), talented photographer, the object of my desires. Straight (I know, right? Always happens to me). I ask him, he is stoked for not having to work alone and agrees. (We are both kind of loners… but it is by choice.) Check, that issue is taken care of.

On to my next class, Workshop. I knew I had to leave early for a scholarship benefit, but I developed my film and showed the contact sheets to my instructor. I hated them; I knew I was going to redo the whole project with a new idea. He hated them, told me I was right and sent me on my way.

I arrive at the Scholarship Reception and immediately look out for where they hung my work. …They only hung two of the four pieces I gave them. And two of the photos were supposed to be hung together… but only one was up. Whatever, there was “limited space,” so I did not make a scene. I found that a bunch of my friends also received scholarships, so it was not going to be that awkward of a time. The whole point of the reception is to meet the people that funded your scholarship. My contributor had passed a few years back (which I found out after I looked and looked and looked for her) and she did not have any benefactors coming to represent her. I was livid. I loathe missing classes, and I missed four hours of class to not meet my supporter. At the end of the night we were told to take our stuff, so I headed up to the small space where our work was and I stopped to talk to a friend on my way out. That is when it all happened…

This guy, late twenties/early thirties approaches me. He addressed me by name, “I am assuming this is your work,” pointing at my photo. I said yes, still in shock. He then told me he had been looking for me all night, that he really loved the piece, but he could tell that there was more to the story. We talked for maybe thirty minutes, back and forth about the school, the program, what my goals are, etc, etc. I am horrible with names, so naturally I have no idea who he is. But I do know that he graduated from my school in 2000, and is currently a curator somewhere. (I wish I did not get so nervous when talking to people and could remember very important details like that.) I did not exchange any contact information with him (stupid! So stupid!) but I am going to try to find out who he is and get in touch with him and thank him for his words.

Not meeting with the people who support me really bummed me out, put a damper on the whole evening; but meeting someone who genuinely enjoys my work and process really made it all worth it. I just put it up; there was no caption with it, just a single photo with a label. And it generated something in him. It made him think. That, that is what I want from a career in photography. And now I feel like there really is a possibility of it all happening for me.

Love tore us apart

February 20, 2008

Valentine’s Day is meaningless to me. Never have I really felt the need to celebrate it. I do not really celebrate any holidays… Christmas is about family time to me, not the gifting bullshit. Birthdays are just another day to me. Valentine’s, just another day.

This is the first time I have ever gotten anything. My very-recent ex decided that it would be a good idea to send me a sad puppy stuffed animal and some chocolates. A nice gesture, but totally unappreciated. He also sent a note. And it was that note that sent me off the deep end. It was very sweet. I know that much, but it should not have been written in the first place. He told me he missed me, loves me, and will wait as long as it takes. And over the two weeks prior, we spoke about how we were not going to say things like that to each other. I do not want him waiting for me; I have no idea how long it is going to take me to be ready for a relationship, nor if he is the one I want to be in one with. I just want him to get over it all, but I understand that it is hard.

He got mad at me because I did not respond to him right away. He knew I was going to get upset, and our mutual friend did not understand why he did what he did. But I guess that is what I will never seem to understand about love. To some, that is love, to me, its upsetting. The only way I feel like he is going to get over any of this is by not talking to him for a while. We decided that a few days after Valentine’s Day. I thought it was an agreement. But of course, he had to break it. He texted me today asking me to talk to him again.

I do not plan on responding.