Archive for the ‘Queer’ Category

Just A Taste

May 18, 2008

I have an addictive personality. I am well aware of it, ever since high school. I first realized it with caffeine. We had a three-day weekend for whatever reason, and it was the height of ski season. I would wake up at five in the morning; hop in the car and stop get a chai on the two-hour trip to the mountain. Day two was the same routine, but I was tired on the drive back, so I would stop for another chai. Day three was two more. I woke up for school on Tuesday with a horrible headache, one that led to me having to leave school. I deduced it to being caffeine and I cut it out of my life. And now I control when I have a soda or something. Either when I need to stay away in class for a bit (and just understand I will have a really hard time sleeping that night) or when I have a headache (weird how that works, huh?).

Something about the idea of being addicted, the need of something, just freaks me out. I do not want to have to have something. I want to want it, merely for entertainment purposes, not because I need it to function normally.

But I get severely addicted to people. Mostly when I am interested in dating someone, I want him to want to spend every free moment with me. I want him to call me, much like I like to text him when he crosses my mind. But then I have to worry if I come across as too needy. I do not want to be annoying, I just want him to know that I am thinking about him… keep me in his mind, I guess. But I always feel like I come across as crazy and force myself to stray away from it. Make him come to me…

But I do not think that works every time…

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They Only Want You When You’re Seventeen

April 30, 2008

Birthday shenanigans were pretty intense. Fuzzy days and nights with lots of work that need be done. But even with all the stress from school I still managed to keep up with it all. And now the year is coming to a close…

Last week I hung my work for an afternoon to be juried for the “big fucking deal” scholarship. I did not win, but it was still nice to just have my work up and looked at. The following day I had to bring my work back to the same place and hang it for the Junior Photography Show. I find that the work I hung is kind of boring, but it is smart, so I will not beat myself up over it. Saturday is the opening and we have arranged to share an open bar with the Crafts show which is happening on the floor below our show. (Well, our show is more or less on the balcony of their show.) I am hoping that I can sell some work, I could use some extra money, but I do not know just how marketable my photos in the show are.

This is the last week of actual classes, followed by exam week, and then critique week. And I have a couple of projects that are in progress, and one that needs to be completed start-to-finish. But I know I will get it all done.

This summer is bound to be interesting. New people in my life, new opportunities. Actually, let me elaborate on the latter. So I wrote some e-mails to a number of photographers regarding internship options over the summer. I waited two, maybe three weeks and still had no responses. My summer plans changed to moving to Rochester, NY for the summer to spend it with my brother. Then I got one response. From an artist here in Philly. He was my first choice and he said he has all these things that he could use help on. Changed my summer yet again. The following day I recieved another response from an artist in New York City. He said he did not need much help and that he tends to work alone and slowly, but I was more than welcome to come lend a hand whenever. I e-mailed him back saying that I was taking the internship here in Philly, but to let me know whenever he needs any help and I would gladly go up and help him out.

I figure this may be totally overwhelming, but I could use a busy summer with a lot of learning from actual photographers. They both are really conceptually driven, so I am bound to learn a ridiculous amount of who-knows-what. The one here in Philly is actually a gay artist as well, so working with him should be another way to learn more and more about myself along with the community.

All in all, I am psyched. And Ladytron was way wrong… twenty-one is more fun.

Hilarity Ensues

April 9, 2008

Sometimes I am such a joke. I wanted to go out, but I want to be alone. I want to be entertained, but I cannot pick a thing to do. It is a weakness. I go on dates when I know I should not be dating at all. Then I start to date someone with no expectations but get hurt the second something does not go my way.

It has been a few weeks with the new guy I have been seeing, and now I get a surprise of him leaving for the entire summer and that I am not the only person he is dating. I guess I would not be bothered as much if it was another dude… but a chick. It is his thing, and I even suspected it, but I do not want to hear about it. But I would hate him to keep it from me. It is always a losing situation.

And the best part… I have a date tomorrow with a different dude. What a joke.

The gloves are off

April 6, 2008

The other day at work I was standing around making my rounds of looking at objects around the room to look busy. Window. Television. Staircase. Staircase. Water fountain. And then back in the reverse to the window. This is how I spend my hours at work, but hey, it works. As my gaze fell upon the water fountain I see someone is there drinking some water. His shoes, Adidas Sambas, clean and crisp. Nice pants, nice butt. I turn back to finish my rounds. Staircase. Staircase. Television.

By the time I get back to the water fountain portion of my day’s work, I see that the boy has brought himself closer. Still cute. But too close. “Oh hey. Can I help you with something?” I ask. He smiles. “Actually…” he walked closer, “I’ve seen you here a lot.” And at this point I want to scream, “I WORK HERE!” but chose not to. I smiled, “Yeah? That would make sense,” and grin a little more. He got a little bashful, “So I was wondering if you’d like to get some coffee sometime?” I smiled and said that I would be okay with that, but that I do not drink coffee, but I would like to get a drink sometime. He looked away and smiled. “So, can I give you my number?” he asked. I pulled out my phone, “Sure! What is it?” “Actually, I wrote it down for you,” as he pulls out a piece of cardboard, a trident case actually, with his number on it. I looked at him and laughed, “Oh, so you got nervous!” He got a little uncomfortable and pulled his number away from me a little. I reached out, snagged it, and begun to put it in my phone right then and smiled, “It’s cool. I would have done the same thing.” So we are going to hang out sometime this week. Conversation wrapped up and he left. Staircase. Staircase. Television.

A faggot, now comfortable in his own skin

April 2, 2008

Life is innately sexual. My life just seems to defy all boundaries in this respect. Last night in one of my classes where we discuss contemporary issues in photography, we were talking about the concept of the surveyor and the surveyed. Specifically we were talking about Sophie Calle (amazing woman, amazing story) and how her work differs from something along the lines of Jennicam (one of the first real webcam shows that ever existed). But then the conversation led itself into the direction of voyeurism.

People were arguing that Jennicam was trying to gain attention. She began her webcam website at the age of nineteen. She broadcasted from her dorm room and streamed a new picture every three minutes (which was really fast when she started). She danced for the camera, performed little strip teases, etc. Then over time it became about her life on camera. If she was in the room, the camera would update with whatever she was doing. If she was out of the room, the camera would update on the state of the room while she was away. Eventually she moved into her own place and got more cameras and updated her site with more photos at a faster rate. She began documenting/sharing her life with millions of people per day. Visitors got to witness her at home, working from home, sleeping, eating, being intimate, etc. But it is the intent of the project that confuses people.

Was she doing it for some kind of release for herself? Was she in-fact, an exhibitionist? Purpose is difficult to figure out, but everyone will come up with his or her own hunches. I tried to argue that, to me, it all seems like a sort of rite of passage. I feel like everyone goes through a phase where they are interested in showing off their body. Everyone is a bit of a voyeur. I compared to her site to being like my journals thorough the years. I began writing in high school, as a sort of release. But I was only interested in it when I would get responses from people. It was a way of reaching out, from the security of my own home. I could decide what I wanted to disclose. I was in complete control. But an online journal is a bit like voyeurism… people are reading what I write–much like people are viewing Jennicam at all times of day.

But it all has a sexual overtone. Even my writing. Regardless of it all, sex continues to run my life. Not in the sense of “I gotta get laid.” But more like everything has a sexual charge of some sort. I write. I take photographs. I have an underwear fetish. However, I prefer nudity. I enjoy the body. I am coy. I struggle to express myself with spoken words. I constantly reorganize and edit. But I separate my lives very distinctly…

For school I am very well composed. I am quiet, but will be honest with you. Some take me for an asshole, and I embrace that (they just do not know me at all). With my friends, I am no longer quiet, but still keep myself on a fairly tight leash. But then there is my life alone. I return to my apartment, with all my belongings, and there is so much more to be said about me. But only the very, very select few get to experience that. And even fewer get to experience the overtly sexual being that I am. I often feel bad for people when they first begin to date me… especially when we start to get intimate. I know how I am; I can be overwhelming. But that is part of who I am.

I have been beginning to accept myself in all respects of life. It is hard to do at times though. But recently I can say that I have been very proud of myself with how I have been dealing with some things. Like I mentioned previously, I am quite shy. Usually in mixed company I just keep my mouth shut, doing the “hello” thing and falling back to the background. But recently I have been joining in conversation, with strangers even! Small talk used to make me real uncomfortable, but I think I am growing into something new, something with more confidence in himself. I have an out of control ego as it is, but I shy away from interacting with people… but this leaf has been blown over and I am to take on this world all over again. A voice to go along with my presence.