Archive for May, 2008

Everything All At Once

May 27, 2008

Let me talk about myself for a while. (But really, what else do I talk about?)

I have not been taking enough photos lately. I need to sit down and put together something, some kind of general direction to lead off on. I would love to continue one of my previous projects, but I hate to change up the camera used (since I cannot check any equipment out from school at this point). I need to get some new equipment for myself, but I need to also not let that bar me from working.

I have been running again. Something about it is really therapeutic to me. It is more of a mind game to me than it is working out. It seems to be about competition, about winning. Whenever there is someone running anywhere within sight, I tend to run harder until I overtake them. I have some issues with being the best.

The guy I have been dating and I ran into some issues the other week. He actually broke up with me and did not give me any real explanation. So a couple days later I asked him if he would clear that up for me. He stopped in after work, and we talked… for almost three hours. He was very open with me, as I was with him. And through it, he realized that we should not have broken up, but we had even more in common. The main argument was over how we both are not sure if we should be dating yet, since our last serious relationship was not that long ago (his ended in December and mine in January). I said something along the lines of how I think about it every time I see him, but I also realize that I am happy at that moment, so why spoil something that could be so good?

Everything that he brought up, as things that could be problems in his and my relationship, were things that I already knew. But it was nice to hear him actually say them. One of the other, which potentially has more weight, issues, was about substances. I smoke. I drink. I am twenty-one and live a fairly regular life of a twenty-one year old. And he is in recovery. I do not know exactly what made me figure that one out, but I knew. But I also never smoke or drink around people that do not. I guess that classifies me as a “social” drinker or smoker. And I never ask people to do either… I do not want to feel like I am pressuring anyone. We talked it all out and he left. There was no real resolution, and no kiss goodbye. The next day at work he stopped in to say hello and see if I wanted to hang out sometime this week. The day after that he stopped by my place on his way to his parents’ house to kiss me, “I just had to kiss you before I left.”

I am moving again. This time back to the West side of the city. I loathe the South side. It is totally segregated and I miss the tree-lined streets in the West. I have to do that by July, makes me nervous.

Memorial day was awesome. I woke up early, finished painting this apartment, went for a long run, went to lunch with my old roommate from the dorms, hung out all afternoon with various friends, bringing people who do not know each other in one room. Came home and the boy came over. We went to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. It fucking sucked. I love the originals, but I was by no means ready for what the new one brought. Some of it was cool, but most of the time I was just thinking to myself “really??” And I was not the only one, I saw a whole family just up and leave in the middle, and if it was my decision, I probably would have left too (except I have a thing about finishing things that I start…). Then we came back here. And I will leave it at this…

Oh. My. God. Amazing.

Just A Taste

May 18, 2008

I have an addictive personality. I am well aware of it, ever since high school. I first realized it with caffeine. We had a three-day weekend for whatever reason, and it was the height of ski season. I would wake up at five in the morning; hop in the car and stop get a chai on the two-hour trip to the mountain. Day two was the same routine, but I was tired on the drive back, so I would stop for another chai. Day three was two more. I woke up for school on Tuesday with a horrible headache, one that led to me having to leave school. I deduced it to being caffeine and I cut it out of my life. And now I control when I have a soda or something. Either when I need to stay away in class for a bit (and just understand I will have a really hard time sleeping that night) or when I have a headache (weird how that works, huh?).

Something about the idea of being addicted, the need of something, just freaks me out. I do not want to have to have something. I want to want it, merely for entertainment purposes, not because I need it to function normally.

But I get severely addicted to people. Mostly when I am interested in dating someone, I want him to want to spend every free moment with me. I want him to call me, much like I like to text him when he crosses my mind. But then I have to worry if I come across as too needy. I do not want to be annoying, I just want him to know that I am thinking about him… keep me in his mind, I guess. But I always feel like I come across as crazy and force myself to stray away from it. Make him come to me…

But I do not think that works every time…