It is not a win or lose situation. It is something I have never, ever experienced. I know myself really well. And I know how I like to deal with things, but this does not seem to be following this pattern. I feel (or did feel) like I did what I needed to do. I know I am pretty callous. I do not really feel much… I lack in emotions.
He came over today to talk again. I did not have any answers for him. None. We talked for almost two hours and I just feel like a horrible person all over again. The only thing I really had to say was that I am fucked up. I do not know how to express myself in any way, at least not to people. I can write it all down, and publish it on the internet, but somehow that makes it not real. Something about actually uttering the words from my mouth… I cannot do it. I went balls out though.
I asked him if he had ever read The Stranger by Albert Camus. He looked it over and said no. I told him that it pretty much illustrates how I think and feel (or not feel). I said “the first line, it’s me… and it’s so fucked up.” He read it and could not wrap his head around it. I did not expect him to understand. It does not even make sense. But that is it… that is how I am.
I need to talk to my mom. I need to see what she thinks. She and I had a lot of talks about this relationship when I was out there visiting them. But things are not exactly going like I figured they would. I need her insight. Hopefully she will answer her phone next time I call.