Hilarity Ensues

Sometimes I am such a joke. I wanted to go out, but I want to be alone. I want to be entertained, but I cannot pick a thing to do. It is a weakness. I go on dates when I know I should not be dating at all. Then I start to date someone with no expectations but get hurt the second something does not go my way.

It has been a few weeks with the new guy I have been seeing, and now I get a surprise of him leaving for the entire summer and that I am not the only person he is dating. I guess I would not be bothered as much if it was another dude… but a chick. It is his thing, and I even suspected it, but I do not want to hear about it. But I would hate him to keep it from me. It is always a losing situation.

And the best part… I have a date tomorrow with a different dude. What a joke.

The gloves are off

The other day at work I was standing around making my rounds of looking at objects around the room to look busy. Window. Television. Staircase. Staircase. Water fountain. And then back in the reverse to the window. This is how I spend my hours at work, but hey, it works. As my gaze fell upon the water fountain I see someone is there drinking some water. His shoes, Adidas Sambas, clean and crisp. Nice pants, nice butt. I turn back to finish my rounds. Staircase. Staircase. Television.

By the time I get back to the water fountain portion of my day’s work, I see that the boy has brought himself closer. Still cute. But too close. “Oh hey. Can I help you with something?” I ask. He smiles. “Actually…” he walked closer, “I’ve seen you here a lot.” And at this point I want to scream, “I WORK HERE!” but chose not to. I smiled, “Yeah? That would make sense,” and grin a little more. He got a little bashful, “So I was wondering if you’d like to get some coffee sometime?” I smiled and said that I would be okay with that, but that I do not drink coffee, but I would like to get a drink sometime. He looked away and smiled. “So, can I give you my number?” he asked. I pulled out my phone, “Sure! What is it?” “Actually, I wrote it down for you,” as he pulls out a piece of cardboard, a trident case actually, with his number on it. I looked at him and laughed, “Oh, so you got nervous!” He got a little uncomfortable and pulled his number away from me a little. I reached out, snagged it, and begun to put it in my phone right then and smiled, “It’s cool. I would have done the same thing.” So we are going to hang out sometime this week. Conversation wrapped up and he left. Staircase. Staircase. Television.

A faggot, now comfortable in his own skin

Life is innately sexual. My life just seems to defy all boundaries in this respect. Last night in one of my classes where we discuss contemporary issues in photography, we were talking about the concept of the surveyor and the surveyed. Specifically we were talking about Sophie Calle (amazing woman, amazing story) and how her work differs from something along the lines of Jennicam (one of the first real webcam shows that ever existed). But then the conversation led itself into the direction of voyeurism.

People were arguing that Jennicam was trying to gain attention. She began her webcam website at the age of nineteen. She broadcasted from her dorm room and streamed a new picture every three minutes (which was really fast when she started). She danced for the camera, performed little strip teases, etc. Then over time it became about her life on camera. If she was in the room, the camera would update with whatever she was doing. If she was out of the room, the camera would update on the state of the room while she was away. Eventually she moved into her own place and got more cameras and updated her site with more photos at a faster rate. She began documenting/sharing her life with millions of people per day. Visitors got to witness her at home, working from home, sleeping, eating, being intimate, etc. But it is the intent of the project that confuses people.

Was she doing it for some kind of release for herself? Was she in-fact, an exhibitionist? Purpose is difficult to figure out, but everyone will come up with his or her own hunches. I tried to argue that, to me, it all seems like a sort of rite of passage. I feel like everyone goes through a phase where they are interested in showing off their body. Everyone is a bit of a voyeur. I compared to her site to being like my journals thorough the years. I began writing in high school, as a sort of release. But I was only interested in it when I would get responses from people. It was a way of reaching out, from the security of my own home. I could decide what I wanted to disclose. I was in complete control. But an online journal is a bit like voyeurism… people are reading what I write–much like people are viewing Jennicam at all times of day.

But it all has a sexual overtone. Even my writing. Regardless of it all, sex continues to run my life. Not in the sense of “I gotta get laid.” But more like everything has a sexual charge of some sort. I write. I take photographs. I have an underwear fetish. However, I prefer nudity. I enjoy the body. I am coy. I struggle to express myself with spoken words. I constantly reorganize and edit. But I separate my lives very distinctly…

For school I am very well composed. I am quiet, but will be honest with you. Some take me for an asshole, and I embrace that (they just do not know me at all). With my friends, I am no longer quiet, but still keep myself on a fairly tight leash. But then there is my life alone. I return to my apartment, with all my belongings, and there is so much more to be said about me. But only the very, very select few get to experience that. And even fewer get to experience the overtly sexual being that I am. I often feel bad for people when they first begin to date me… especially when we start to get intimate. I know how I am; I can be overwhelming. But that is part of who I am.

I have been beginning to accept myself in all respects of life. It is hard to do at times though. But recently I can say that I have been very proud of myself with how I have been dealing with some things. Like I mentioned previously, I am quite shy. Usually in mixed company I just keep my mouth shut, doing the “hello” thing and falling back to the background. But recently I have been joining in conversation, with strangers even! Small talk used to make me real uncomfortable, but I think I am growing into something new, something with more confidence in himself. I have an out of control ego as it is, but I shy away from interacting with people… but this leaf has been blown over and I am to take on this world all over again. A voice to go along with my presence.

They talk of a return to nature, I wonder where they went

I really enjoy the springtime. I used to be a winter child, but since living in the city I cannot say that winter is something I look forward to. Especially this year, there was no snow whatsoever. I grew up in Maine, snow is something you learn to love. But here, with global warming and a generally messed up ecosystem, we feel short of any snow this season. But spring is here. And with it, the rut that I have been in concerning my photography has really lifted.

Something about the last few months really kept me away from getting excited about my work. I guess it probably has a lot to do with being in a relationship that was not necessarily what I needed to be in. But with that freedom, and the shift in the weather, and shooting for a project and actually enjoying the shooting and being excited about printing… it is as if my whole outlook on Photography has gone back to where it used to be. It was the motivation I needed.

In my “Critical Issues in Photography” class last night, we were talking about landscape photography and how different people use it. The instructor asked who shoots landscapes and one hand went up. Then a couple people called me out on shooting landscapes (I just do not like to pigeon-hole myself since I do not really have a niche yet). We got into a discussion about how landscapes are more of a personal experience than something to talk about. The professor asked for an example. I said, “Well let me put it this way. I have seen this whole country. I may not have been there, but I know what it looks like and I know what’s there.”

I have been taking myself back to nature when it comes to my work. But I have other projects to work on as well. But it really impresses me when I can look at the theme of my portraits and fit them into the various themes in my landscapes or other work. Maybe I have a niche; I just have to figure out what it is.

It’s nothing to cry about, cause we’ll hold each other soon

It has been years since I have been afflicted with insomnia. I thought I was over it. But alas, it returns. This week I have managed to tally up a total of about six hours of sleep. I will be tired, exhausted even, but once I lay down I just cannot seem to put myself to sleep. There is nothing as frustrating as lying for six hours and not getting a wink of sleep. Especially when you know you have to be up early the next day for a full day of things that need be done.

Last night I did not sleep for a minute. I put on some relaxing music, crawled into bed, shivered until the sheets were warm, cuddled with my body pillow and other pillows and nothing. That was it. I heard the whole CD to completion and just continued to lie, wide awake, staring into the darkness. I rolled over to check the clock, and it was about twenty minutes before I had to get up for class. So I said, “fuck it,” and got out of bed. I went to class all day where we did not really do much of anything, but I talked with my professor about the current project that I cannot settle on an idea for. She talked me through it, told me that the idea I liked was not very good but the first one I came up with was excellent. She did not know, but when she told me my idea blew, I got upset (sleep deprivation really messes you up emotionally). I left class for a bit and had one of those “Pull yourself together!” speeches with myself. Her advise for me was to work things through and not beat myself up so much on getting things perfect the first time. Something I needed to hear… Something I will need to hear again and again.

I have to work an eleven-hour shift tomorrow. But I can already feel like I will not be getting much sleep tonight…